The waiting game is not fun. And I know I'm the loser because I can't win it. Closer to the beginning of our adoption process I found the wait so trying...it felt eternal. I was antsy.
Right now, though I don't mind. It's a bit of a peaceful spot - though I am eager to pass on to the next stage. At the moment, it gives me time to focus on today...what we've been through and where it's brought me now.
In the past number of months I have been reflecting on support. Adoption seems to be a word that either makes people cringe or smile. Although I am excited about our process, I don't go advertising that we are adopting - why? I guess because I hate the cringe. And to be honest, my nature is not to shout my life from the rooftops; plus, being an avoider, I don't want to face the cringe. I know the 'cringers' are not supportive, may not understand, and perhaps have their own reasons why they don't agree with it or want to encourage.
Realistically, I don't expect to receive encouragement from everyone who is knowledgeable about our adoption. On the other hand, I did hope to have the support of people close to Kevin and I - be it a positive word, a smile, or simply a promise to pray for us. When our agency went bankrupt last summer, it seemed to bring out the true feelings and thoughts of others towards our adoption. We were at a spot where we didn't think we'd be able to continue the process, even though we desired to. I carried that burden with me - the death of our dream, confusion with God's leading - all summer; I was weighed down and sad. On top of that, learning the true feelings of our 'support' was equally hard - ironically I was glad to know the truth, but sad to face it and deal with it especially on top of everything else.
I still carry some sadness with our loss of support. Knowing that we are led by God, are doing his will, and have hope to carry forward does lighten my load considerably. Unfortunately my relationship with some people will never be the same. I am not harbouring anger or resentment, but the awareness that of a small chasm between us.
And I remain somewhat cautious about relating our adoption plans and instead choose to bask in hope & happiness and share it quietly.